On April 17th, 1999, Kevin and Tracey became one flesh in the sight of God, family and friends.  Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24) It was truly the happiest and most confident day of my life.  My only nervousness was having to drive the car through Atlanta traffic to the hotel where the limo would be dropping us off. The only one more nervous about that was my brother Kyle because he was riding with me.  I hate driving. Nothing perplexes my mind more than trying to understand how a person can feel confident getting into a 4,000lb hunk of metal, glass, and rubber and traveling 70-90 mph with hundreds of other people doing the same thing.  With people who have been licensed to do it by a test that a 15 year old can pass.  Of course most people will ask how can you be confident standing up in front of God, family and friends and pledging to love, cherish and be monogamous with one person until one of you falls over dead.

But after stepping out from behind the wheel of that God tempting machine of controlled chaos my nervousness faded away like a Christian's love in 5 o'clock traffic.  Feel free to ask anyone there that day.  I had not one butterfly.  I knew, or at least thought I knew, what I was doing.  To me it felt like my first real step into manhood.  I had done well in high school.  I'd done well enough in college to get one of those little pieces of paper.  I even had a job and was renting an apartment.  I was by many definitions a man.  But all that felt like "had to's".  I did what was expected of me.  Here I felt I had made my first manly choice.  I had chosen a wife. And she had accepted me.  That felt like the first real choice I had ever made in my life.  I had no second thoughts that day, not one.  It is the first and only time I've felt completely at peace with a decision.  Some would ask "What about your salvation?"  I think that was more in God's hands than mine.  He did the choosing, just as I had chosen Tracey.  Of course Tracey had to accept, but come on people it's me.  Did she really stand a chance?  And once you see the truth, is there really any walking away from it?

Regardless of the church upbringing, all the advice, the confidence of my decision, and all of the cliched sitcom situations on television we had watched, nothing had really prepared us for marriage.  After 10 years of marriage I could walk you through all the trials, the hurt, the selfishness, the regret AND the love, the forgiveness, the understanding, the strength.  But that would take a while.  Instead I'd rather just expound on what I've learned during this time through scripture, and living, and from seeing the truth and not being able to walk away from it. I hope you hang around until the end.  I hope these little bits of knowledge will help when it comes time for all of "my kids" at Daves Creek to marry.  I hope it helps my niece Lexy and my "adopted niece" Casey and "big" Casey.  I hope it helps my brothers and their families.  I hope it helps married people who are still trying to figure it out. I hope it helps me when I lose my way.  But mostly I hope it glorifies God. And if it glorifies Him, I have to think it will do all the rest by default.

Parents just don't understand.
I am a product of the 80's and early 90's.  One thing I learned from Rickey Lake and grunge rock is that it's all my parents fault.  A lot of misconceptions about marriage we can attribute to our parents, who can intern blame it on their parents and so forth all the way up the line.  Whether it was poor leading by example, a lack of biblical knowledge, or listening too much to the world, marriage has been represented by Christian households almost as poorly as non-Christian house holds I think.  I have seen and heard of too many parents worried if their kids are ready financially instead of if they are spiritually prepared for it.  I've encountered too many wanting kids to finish school first.  And there is too little concern if the basic lusts of the flesh can be held in check while waiting for this event to happen.  It is true a lot of early problems in marriage happen because of money.  But I also have seen a lot of very rich people call it quits as well.  Kids are led to believe they have to have a 3 bedroom/2 1/2 bath house to really be married.  The budget is not the problem.  The problem usually lies in wanting too much, too fast and not having the self control to handle what you have.  And with our current economical situation, I doubt there are many who want to argue that point with me.  Don't expect education or money to prepare your children for marriage.  Parents with scripture, experience and a loving heart will.

Preach it!
I think the parents have more of a cop out than just blaming it on their parents.  I think they can also wag a finger at the pulpit.  I can't really remember hearing any sermons growing up that were focused on marriage or the purpose of marriage or how it pertained to scripture or God's plan.  But when I was 6-7 years into this thing I finally began to hear sermons on such subjects.  And guess what, they have made a world of difference in the last 3-4 years.  If you don't believe me ask Tracey.  She has reaped worlds of benefits by the scriptural truth being poured on my head like a cold bucket of water.  Pastors, you have lots of kids with hormones raging, girls are trying to figure out how to be accepted by boys, boys are trying to figure out ways to get sex out of girls.  Pretty soon these two questions are going to find answers in each other.  What you haven't taken the time to prepare them for, the world has been bending over backwards to teach them about.  Don't assume tradition is going to handle this.  Wearing white, courting, hanging out in the parlor, signing little cards, whatever the tradition of today is, tradition is nothing but a vehicle.  It will not define any morality.  But if left unchecked it will carry along evil as well as it will carry along good.  Scripture and a loving heart are the only things that stand a chance in today's world, or tomorrows world for that matter.  Preach it brothers.

Ok smarty pants, preach what?
I've done some talking about what marriage is not.  But to drive my point home, I think one of the worst definitions of marriage is two people coming together in a union to be happy.  "Well shouldn't marriage be happy?" That's a fair question.  The problem is happiness shouldn't be a goal, not in marriage, not in anything.  Happy is a result.  You can't just say I want to BE happy.  Because then the next question is, what will make you happy?  Two people can not come into a union like this and focus on being happy.  You might even modify the definition and say it is two people coming together in a union to make each other happy.  Can this ever really be achieved?  Happy is a fleeting feeling.  You could work for years to make one person happy for a few minutes.  Then were you really happy while trying to make the other person happy?  Doing anything to try and achieve a temporary feeling is wasted time and energy to me. Plus there are tons of things that are much easier than marriage to make you feel happy.  Ever heard of a thing called drinking?  "But that can lead to a ruined life?" You do remember we are talking about a thing called marriage right.  It's as dangerous a social activity as I can think of.  And with it you can even make other little beings to be miserable with you.  Drinking's got nothing on marriage. 

"Ok how about marriage being a union of two people to prolong the species?" Ok the scientific route it is.  Or you might even rephrase this to be something biblical like be fruitful and multiply.  Kids come through sex not marriage.  Why marry?  "Well society will look down on that." Fashions and traditions come and go.  Today's Armani is tomorrows parachute pants.  We can not depend on snotty people looking down their noses to teach morality and Godliness.  Christians have been depending on that for too long and it shows.  "Well marriage is a good way not to die lonely?" Get a dog.  The list can go on and on.  The problem is that none of these are blatant lies. There is a small smidgen of truth in each one. That's the way the world works.  It's not the bold face lies that get us.  It's the lies that contain just enough truth to make sense.  That's how the devil works.  How did he come to tempt Jesus?  Did he come talking trash?  Nope, he used scripture, but scripture that was picked apart into half truths.  We are drowning in watered down truth in this world.  "Well what is the truth then?" You want to find out about a creation, you go to the creator.  When I want to know about a computer program I talk to the guy that wrote it.  If I can't then I go to the documentation.  God's documentation is the Bible.  This isn't an apologetics article.  I don't feel like this is the place to defend that statement.  I will assume that if you've made it this far you believe that to a certain extent anyway. So what does the documentation say?

There is lots of scripture on this subject, but I'm leaning toward Ephesians 5:22-33 as it seems to do a good job summing it up.  Feel free to read and meditate on this scripture before continuing on. 

The key for me understanding these verses is really the key to understanding the whole Bible.  Man has fallen away from God, God comes to rescue.  That rescue takes the form of Jesus.  Everything in both the New and Old Testaments makes a lot more sense when read with Jesus in mind.  Funny how that works.  The promise to Abraham that his seed would bless the earth, God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac only to step in with a substitute at just the right time, the serpent lifted up in the wilderness, the prophesies of Isaiah, Daniel and others, it all points to Jesus.  Even things such as trees and their bearing of fruit explain the plan.  All of creation screams of God's redemptive plan.  The whole history of the Jewish nation points to Jesus.  God's glorious creation, the order of the universe, the saving of lost souls, even our small lives and our marriages are for the Glory of God.  Marriage is a piece of this puzzle.  This mystery that revolves around God's Glory and our redemption, I honestly can't comprehend the whole thing.  But look what Paul says here about marriage.  It represents Christ and the church.  According to the Bible, a marriage is a reflection of Jesus and our relationship to him.  Marriage's purpose is not first and foremost for the two people involved.  In fact it can be argued the main purpose is for others to see the love that Christ has for his church.  So does that really sound like the primary goal of marriage is your own happiness?  Remember though happy is not a goal, it is a result of reaching the right goal. But we need to talk about a few other things first, to see what our target is.

The Dirty Dirty "S" Word
No I'm not talking about sex.  I'm talking about...*gulp*...submit. How did this become a dirty word? I could rant and rave about women's lib and bra burning but that's missing the point.  In my experience when a company is going down the crapper it's the CEO's fault, not the disgruntled employees.  Even though the employees are usually the ones getting the blame and the CEO walks away with a million dollars as everyone shakes their heads at his poor misfortune.  Face it men, we are to be the leaders.  How did we own our office?  We turned "submit" into "barefoot and pregnant".  We made the stay-at-home mother ashamed of her profession.  We made the woman look at her position and weep like a slave for freedom.  And we did it by declaring that our position some how made us better than the woman and we abused the power we were given.  We used it to get things done for our own interests.  These verses state nothing even close to that.  Shame on us fellas.

"Well what is submit if it isn't a rattling of an empty tea glass?" Well what else does the Bible tell us to submit to?  It tells us to submit to God and to the government.  Both of these are entities we have the right to petition but in the end we trust to make the best decision in our interest.  So women don't be scared of submission.  You submit to bosses everyday at work.  You submit to politicians you barely had a say in electing.  You submit to cops on the road that you had no hand in selecting.  Why is it so hard to trust and submit to the man you've chosen to give yourself to?  Maybe because giving your self away doesn't have the same meaning it used to have.  But that's another blog for another day.

And while I'm talking to the ladies I might as well go ahead and dig my grave a little deeper and make sure it's the standard 6 feet.  If women of history could come back to present day, they would walk up to present day women and punch them dead square in the face. At no time in history or in any culture has a woman had such power and say so in who she marries.  God has blessed you with that power, use it ladies!  You've fought for years to prove to us men that you are as smart as us, so use that pretty little brain. Don't marry the first idiot who gives you the time of day.  I can't find the author of this quote right now but it's one prayer and piece of advice I have for all young ladies who will one day be married. "May you be so close to God, that a man has to come looking for Him before he finds you." That is a man you can trust, respect and submit to.

"So how do we men fix this?" Easy, follow the scripture.  Love your wife like Christ loves the church.  Be willing to sacrifice your time for her.  Make your marriage a major focus of your time. I'm not talking about giving her everything she wants.  Does Jesus do that for his bride?  Jesus' focus was God's business. That business was showing the love of God to the church.  It was making her holy for God. Of course only Jesus can do that. But love her and do what's in her best interest. And what's in her best interest is striving to be Godly. Be the leader.  Be the one who initiates prayer time and Bible study time.  Take up the spiritual reins of your family.  Be willing to die for your bride.  And remember Jesus loved the church, even when the church didn't love Him.

Women, let your man lead.  Look to him to do the things I mentioned above.  Expect him too. How well off would we be if Jesus didn't do what He was sent to do?  I know after learning this Tracey has looked to me more to make decisions, even if it's something small like picking a restaurant. Of course I ask her advice on everything.  She is my help mate of course.  But I must lead.  That is what God intended.  So to honor Him I lead and like Jesus I lead through service.

It may sound like this definition of marriage is too much to ask of anyone.  "Find a woman I want to give my entire life to?"  "Find a man who is Godly and I can trust to lead my family?"  You may already be married.  I wasn't thinking about this stuff when I got married.  The first thing to understand is you have a well defined reason and purpose for marriage.  And it's not some watered down version of half truths. Run with it.  Make small changes to ease your way into it if you have to.  Jump in head first if you think you can.  Earnestly try to live out this vision.  I'm convinced it can heal.  I've seen it heal.  I've been healed by it.  "Well where do we start?"

Wait just a second. Before we discuss the next section I have one more small point to make on this subject.  Once you throw this scripture out, once you blur this perfect vision of the man/woman dynamic, what do you use to oppose gay marriage?  You haven't a leg to stand on in my opinion. I don't feel this is the blog to discuss this issue, but give it some honest thought.  Without a well defined role for the man and the woman, it's no wonder it has become so much easier for people to accept this type of attempted union.

The Godly Love Triangle
I have given the God and marriage relationship a lot of thought.  I had originally envisioned it as a circle with God at the center and the man and the woman moving on the perimeter. But after listening to a song by Shai Linne called "Simple Love Story", I think his geometric stab at the dynamic of marriage is far more accurate an analogy.  He compares it to a triangle.  This triangle is made up of 3 corner points as all triangles are.  At the top of course is God, leaving the two bottom points for the man and woman.  Each line connecting the points is a path.  Of course God is unchanging so His point remains fixed.  Humans seems to be ever changing, which isn't a bad thing for us.  So our points are constantly in flux.  If both the man and the woman are sincerely trying to get closer to God, they have no choice but to also get closer to each other. That's the nature of a triangle.  Even geometry glorifies God.  So you see now our target goal of "happy" is replaced by God being our goal?  This makes a lot more sense, especially going back to how ever changing the human being is.  Our definition of happy is ever changing.  We have no real hope of reaching it, much less reaching it at the same time and then on top of that staying there.  I don't know what shape that turns out to be, but it is definitely not a well shaped marriage. 

"Well that's a nice visual, but can't we just replace God with what's important to us as a couple?" Fine, put a financial goal up there.  How great is your marriage doing now in this economy?  I've read lots of articles about people getting back to the simple life during this time.  They are realizing ridiculous wealth is not the most important thing in life.  What about career goals? You might even have a common career goal where the target is getting one of the spouses to a certain point in a certain field.  But what happens if the goal can not be reached.  Do you just go into an endless cycle of goal changing?  Or what happens if even worse, you do reach the goal.  What happens to your relationship when you both have to sit down and evaluate where that goal has gotten you?

One of the better real world examples I can think of is a couple I've heard about.  The husband developed cancer.  Beating that cancer became their common goal.  They were never closer in their marriage before this disease came along.  But one day he was cured.  They're marriage unraveled.  They lost interest in each other.  The marriage came to an end.  I believe they had put beating that cancer at the top of their triangle.  And when it was beat, there was nothing else left, no anchor point.  That is the way everything is in this world.  Whatever you put up there, one way or another, it is going to disappear.  Nothing in this world is meant to last.  God is the only thing that is anchored enough to make your marriage goal fixed.  He is the only thing infinite enough to outlast your marriage.  No matter how you try you will never attain all of God.  But there is so much there that everyday you'll feel like you have achieved something great in your marriage as you strive for Him.  With most goals you are continually fighting uphill and the only happiness comes in achieving that goal.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light, Jesus reminds us. (Matt 11:30)  Of course disease, money, and other things that we have considered as top of the triangle will come and go.  But they will only be other points along the way.  They are not the goal.  They will not be the focus of your marriage.  The wise, the infinite, the sovereign, the holy, the omniscient, the faithful, the merciful, the powerful, the loving, the truthful God will be the purpose of your marriage just as it was designed by Him ever so long ago.  And when all things pass away, what you gained by making God your goal is immeasurable.